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Literature Text
I had met him last year, first day of Bio class. He was leaning back in his chair, idly pinching the corners of the craziest piece of origami I'd ever seen. I pulled up a chair next to him.
"That's amazing."
He nodded absentmindedly. I felt the need to say something relevant.
"Can you make a crane?"
He looked at me, almost snorted, then nodded, ripping out a piece of notebook paper.
He was done before the class bell had rung.
-
It was a pointed dodecahedron. It was made out of twelve pieces of paper, he said. It was the hardest piece he'd ever found, and took him a week to get to the point where he could fold it decently from memory.
He explained this all excitedly while making one for me, creasing the edges almost gracefully.
He was happy.
-
His mom opened the door and sent me upstairs. I tapped on his door, and creaked it open slowly.
You know the story where the girl folds a thousand paper cranes and hung them up in her room? That was his room, except with pointed dodecahedrons; spiked balls suspended from the ceiling instead.
He sat in the center of the room, legs folded and surrounded with askew pieces of paper, mechanically running his hands back and forth over a fold.
He didn't look up.
"That's amazing."
He nodded absentmindedly. I felt the need to say something relevant.
"Can you make a crane?"
He looked at me, almost snorted, then nodded, ripping out a piece of notebook paper.
He was done before the class bell had rung.
-
It was a pointed dodecahedron. It was made out of twelve pieces of paper, he said. It was the hardest piece he'd ever found, and took him a week to get to the point where he could fold it decently from memory.
He explained this all excitedly while making one for me, creasing the edges almost gracefully.
He was happy.
-
His mom opened the door and sent me upstairs. I tapped on his door, and creaked it open slowly.
You know the story where the girl folds a thousand paper cranes and hung them up in her room? That was his room, except with pointed dodecahedrons; spiked balls suspended from the ceiling instead.
He sat in the center of the room, legs folded and surrounded with askew pieces of paper, mechanically running his hands back and forth over a fold.
He didn't look up.
Literature
Girls Are Not Made of Sugar
Girls are not made of sugar.
We do not melt under a single touch.
Our hearts aren’t made of glass,
They’re made of muscle,
and will never shatter under your crushing blow.
Our skulls aren't filled with poetry.
It’s instead filled with pictures and broken desires, dreams and hopes.
Not glitter.
Nor sequins.
Girl’s hair is not made of silk,
It is instead, made up of dead cells that we hide behind,
But not from you; for you’re nothing to fear.
Our hearts are only there to pump our blood.
Our hair is only there to cover our heads.
Our muscles are there to help us move.
And our brains are there to h
Literature
Goodbye
i didn’t fall in love with you
until your skin was already grey and i
had to tell you what the weather was like
since you couldn’t leave your bed.
i didn’t mind long nights in the hospital
because making you laugh brought a warmth
to my cheeks that burnt hotter than a
forest fire, you never laughed at me for blushing
i snuck you in alcohol and forbidden foods
and pushed you around in that rusted wheel chair,
and all the nurses looked at us with
miserable eyes that said more than the doctors
would ever tell me.
naively i thought it was good news
when you said they were sending you home; but
when i saw you strewn across
Literature
welcome to the real world
1. if someone invites you back to their place
for coffee, and you only drink tea,
don’t stress:
you probably won’t actually be drinking coffee.
2. when the creepy guy from work asks you out
again and you think about accepting for the first
time because you’re sick of going home alone and
you have never learned how to say no, don’t. learn.
stand in front of the mirror until you love yourself
enough for your skin to fit snug on your body. read
about the hundreds of millions of planets out in the
hundreds of millions of galaxies and feel so crowded
that you’re about to burst all over again.
3. you’re gonna
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obsession.
Yet another (mega)short story; hopefully you guys aren't getting tired of these.
Inspired by a 12-spiked ball given to me by a friend. Definitely not called a "pointed dodecahedron", but it sounded right for purposes of the story...
Also, couldn't find the origami online. Wait... is it even origami?
...Yeah, I'm clueless.
The story about the paper cranes was referring to [link]
One last ALSO, crap title is crap, any suggestions?
:
How well is the narrator's character conveyed through his tone/grammar/stuff?
Is the plot too subtle or does subtlety work here?
Edit: One more question: how well is the origami kid's character created/shown?
All comments or critiques are very much appreciated. <3
Yet another (mega)short story; hopefully you guys aren't getting tired of these.
Inspired by a 12-spiked ball given to me by a friend. Definitely not called a "pointed dodecahedron", but it sounded right for purposes of the story...
Also, couldn't find the origami online. Wait... is it even origami?
...Yeah, I'm clueless.
The story about the paper cranes was referring to [link]
One last ALSO, crap title is crap, any suggestions?
:How well is the narrator's character conveyed through his tone/grammar/stuff?
Is the plot too subtle or does subtlety work here?
Edit: One more question: how well is the origami kid's character created/shown?
All comments or critiques are very much appreciated. <3
© 2010 - 2024 Insifais
Comments8
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactHere for your Live-Love-Write critique. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>I’ll start off by saying that the title attracted me to this so I don’t feel it needs to change. It’s not overly dramatic but it’s something quite eye-catching. At least, to me it is. I don’t know what the general public think. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/let…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Lick)"/>I like the simple style of this. You don’t hide behind flowery descriptions and let the characters speak for themselves. I feel there’s some hidden meaning behind the origami. There’s a lot you don’t mention.
This brings me to my next point that the simple style can also hinder a piece of work. I’ve found that a writer can either have a simple style but the characters are well-developed and clear. Or, the writer can focus more on description and the actual writing and leave characters as personalities. While your take on the writing style is good, the fact that your characters don’t have names and their personalities and appearances aren’t shown sort of makes this seem like it’s lacking something. There’s nothing wrong with just showing a character’s emotion but you’d have to bulk up the writing and description of everything else. It made me feel like I was missing something.#
Overall though, this was an enjoyable read. It’s structured well and has an enchanting charm about it. Well done. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>